To: Me.

Dear future-ruru-to-be:

There tends to be a cycle of blissful happiness and terrible melancholy that repeats itself over and over again: no matter how much you try to change, or rectify your problems and mistakes, it happens again anyways.

The wheel turns, nothing ever changes.

An undulating sinusoidal curve.

Perhaps it’s a testament to how learning is a lifelong thing – there will always be discontent; whether manifested in external triggers or internal conflicts; but a few months after you eventually solve them and toss them out the window, they come back – albeit in a different form – but back all the same.

We can’t help the way we are at present; an agglomeration of past experiences, thoughts, and feelings influence who we are today. If we could simply change ourselves into the embodiment of ‘perfection’, the world would be a very different (and perhaps very frightening) place. And what would perfection be?

It takes courage to notice, acknowledge, and admit to yourself that you need to change.

But what else can you do? How can you change the world, or any part of the world for that matter, if you cannot help yourself?

My personal favorite quote of all time:

There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.  – Huxley

I learnt something about myself today which I should’ve learnt months ago. I always knew I was idealistic; I even acknowledged it. But I didn’t admit it. I didn’t let it sink in. I didn’t do something about it. A bit of idealism is good: we need dreamers and visionaries in this world. But lean too much to one side and too much of one thing becomes a bad thing- extreme optimism and hope will set up unrealistic expectations and let you down in the end. It’ll obscure you from reality; surround you in a cloud of disillusionment and prevent you from seeing how things really work in this world.

I’m done feverishly protecting ideals that began to border on insanity; that made me feel personally responsible for the happiness of everyone around me.

Sometimes the people you strive to protect are the very people you unknowingly harm.

The world is not a perfect place, and trying to prevent all the hurt in the world is too much of a weight to bear. And detrimental to those you try to protect.

So remember that, still-idealistic-future-self. Whilst struggling in the vast abyss of disillusionment, drowning in the sorrows of other people, and driving yourself insane with idealistic notions of a perfect environment; remember –

Sometimes, you just don’t know best.

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